I'm glad you are my family

I was listening to The Khrusty Brothers (a side project of Don Chaffer of Waterdeep) a record written as a catharsis for the emotional turmoil that followed his parents passing, and I thought of my family. Most notably I thought of something my dad used to tell me and my brothers when we would fight. He would say "You need to treat each other with respect and love, because when we are gone all you will have will be each other." I think maybe my dad said this in reflection of his rough childhood, how he and his siblings were often at odds with each other, and maybe his parents didn't do a lot to stop it. Maybe he feels their longterm relationships have suffered, all of them battling with the alcoholism that my grandfather taught them, none of them staying terribly close to the others. At times I stop and think of how he got out of that dysfunctional family, that kind of family that maybe didn't teach you how to be a family and made this family that has taught me how to be a family. It's rather marvelous!

At the time it sounded weird to me, as a kid you never think your parents will die, cause then who would make supper, but it was haunting, it was like, you mean when you're gone my older and younger brother are just gonna gang up and tease me for the rest of my life. Years, later after the passing of my grandmother and one of my uncles, mortality seems a bit more real. A third of my life has probably passed, and my birthdays are starting to sting a little. I'm 25 next saturday and I may only have another twenty five years or so with my parents, which would make our time on earth together near half over. That's scary. I'm not trying to focus on the negative, but it is true that relationships with our siblings need to be strong so that we can whether the passing of our parents together whenever the time comes we can support, love, correct and cherish one another after that. I think of my brothers and sister and how it's easy to stay disconnected and distant sometimes. It's less sticky, the drama and responsibility that comes with people who know you better than anyone on earth isn't always easy. So let's plunge back into family, when it's very uncool, but very needed. I'll write it in digital stone, Brett, Rose, and Zachary I love you and I always will. Also in digital stone, Mom and Dad, Brenda and Bill, I'm glad it was you.

a cautionary tale or get your lights

It all started, one cold december evening, with my bad habit of not keeping my proof of insurance in my vehicle at all times. It had been a long night at work, paper work had kept me there until 2:00 in the morning. I got pulled over for having a headlight out, and of course got a ticket for not having current proof of insurance. I could have stopped this all from happening by simply showing up at the courthouse the next day to show my proof of insurance, but I sleep late and am lazy and ignore things that are hassles until they become huge hassles. So as any self respecting state government does when a driver can't produce proof of insurance in a timely manner Kansas revoked my license.

Well, this ended up leading to my arrest. Probably one of the more irresponsible moments of my life. Well I showed up in court in late January and cleared myself of charges that is with the City of Prairie Village. I then had my insurance company fax proof that I was insured, and I thought this would reinstate my license. Well recently my right tail light went out, and a Lenexa cop happened to notice this at 2:00 a.m. tuesday night. Lenexa cops don't let anything slide so he proceeded to write me a ticket, well apparently Kansas never got the fax or some other clerical error and not only was my license suspended but also my tags on my car, so it got towed. Well after calling the State of Kansas about thirty times, and Geico twice I am in the clear. So, tonight after work I went to the local Wal-Mart Super Center to grab myself a tail light. As I go to replace it I find that it was out of its socket, the contraption that locks the light into the reflector was ajar. There was no burnt out light.

While it was good to find out that my license was revoked, and to take the steps to reinstate myself, it was not nice to watch my car get hauled off on a tow truck as I stood stranded at two in the morning on 87th street (props to Jessie Chesley for the ride). The divulging of these legal affairs probably makes me look pretty stupid, and I was, but lesson learned, I guess, even though I should've known it. Don't procrastinate and get your lights.

he is the space between

Earlier this week at the nursing home I work at, I walked into a man's room who was in pretty serious respiratory distress. This was really surprising to me because he hasn't been sick or even showing signs of dying. I sent him to the ER, and he ended up passing away later that evening. It was just so fast, so sudden, unexpected. Whenever someone I have cared for passes I think about the fragility of life and the beauty of leaving this world for the next, but this time it was so abrupt. He was really struggling to breathe, and I take each breath for granted, but each breath is vital, but it's just air.

When you look at a molecule the total area of the thing is mostly empty space between the atoms that make it up, but the thing still holds together. Everything we see that looks completely solid is actually made up of these things that are mostly empty. What's in there, I've heard it said that it is God in there holding the thing together, I don't know, but it sure is a beautiful idea.

Recently, I received a voicemail from my brother Brett. He simply wanted to tell me how cool it looked to watch rain drops on pavement in the reflections of headlights of cars. More specifically, he was pointing out that even though humans put together the cars and the pavement, God is the one who makes it look amazing to watch the rain play tricks with the two. Man made the canvas of the show, but God choreographed the dance.

Due to my schedule at work I've decided to try and find another job. My friend suggested requesting to move to part time at my current job starting in August in order to give me a motivation to either find a job or take the pay cut. This decision forces me to rely on God to either provide a job or make it possible to take the pay cut. I'm going to have to lean in and trust him. God is in that space between breaths, he's in that rain drop show on the street. He's in every molecule if only by the laws of physics that only he knows fully cause he wrote them. Even though it's against the odds that a nurse with less than one year of experience will be given the preferred day shift, I am moving into and uncomfortable place of trust that it will happen. He's there in that space, in that place of "probably nots", and he'll come through I'm banking on it, literally.