what happens on sleep deprivation

I have currently been awake for about thirty hours. I know it's ridiculous, but by the time insomnia pushed me to 3:30 AM last night, I began weighing the pros and cons of falling asleep at all. It may have been entirely ill-conceived, but I decided it would be better to not sleep and arrive at work on time rather than sleeping in which ended badly last week. When I do put myself in these situations, which happens more often than I'd like, I become a bit emotionally labile. This is magnified by the fact that I often find myself being deeply touched by simple songs and movies. The most extreme incidence of this phenomenon happened when I had just watched Slumdog Millionaire the night previous. I cried while listening to "Paper Planes" by MIA on the way to work, a song whose topics include weed and hustling, I think? It's usually more logical than that, but needless to say it can get interesting.

For some reason I almost enjoy this period of unguardedness, it's as if I have an excuse to feel what I'm feeling without shame and let that take me where it will. Not that it is really a virtue to lose control of your emotions, but when I do I often end up learning some deep truth. I become more aware of how guarded I really can become at times and how hard my heart has been. Usually it's God trying to tell me something or teach me about his world, or simply show me a thread of his beauty up close so I can marvel. It's encouraging to know that God is speaking even when we're not waiting or trying to listen. His hand is infinitely dipping down to touch us, not 'cause we went to church or took the time to open up our bibles for fifteen seconds today, but because he wants to. He joins us and comes after us from every corner of our daily realities, and he is shooting straight for the heart. He is the God that pursues, and this is a great encouragement. I just want to get to a place where I don't have to stay awake for 24 hours to be open enough to hear him, on my way to that place I'm going to spend more nights staring at the stars to be touched by the sunrise.