singing loud

I sing loud, ever since I really learned how to sing in choir in junior high I have. Whether it be in my car listening to music, or in the shower styling some free form song, I have sung at a high volume. I sing especially loud during worship at my church. I have for some time been aware of the fact that I sing pretty loud and sometimes become embarrassed and quiet it down a bit, but recently I began to examine why this might be.

I thought about it and the experience of lifting my voice to such a high volume is somewhat transporting to me. It is increasingly this way if I am surrounded by sound so that I can hardly pick out my own voice from those around me, such as in corporate worship or with the volume in my car cranked up. Why is this, I thought. Perhaps it is the physical experience of joining with something incalculably larger than myself. Not only in word or idea but an actual blending of the sound I am making into and with something I could not do alone. A chorus of agreement that our stories matter and are facets each of the other. That we are one. It seems that the louder I sing, to me at least, the more I am participating, pushing my sound into the larger picture.

Ultimately I think it is that act of claiming my identity, not in a way that says look at me I have this great voice. On the contrary sometimes my voice cracks and sounds tired and worn, even gets hoarse from singing so loud. This is a declaration of my humanity my brokenness that even in the shit stuff of life I will still sing the praise of the one who makes and supports all. Even when my voice is broken and does not ring out beautiful I will still lift it the best I can, as I lift my head to meet His gaze. Even when my soul is broken and full of sin I can and will still confess to him his greatness in my weakness. In so doing, I proclaim that it is not only the most beautiful voices that deserve to ring out loud. It is not the righteous whose praise he longs to hear but the unrighteous, the ones who have hung up their harps and hearts who haven’t sung in along time. He wants these to come back to him. I am with him where he is.